Why I Can't Wait to Be Retired

This past weekend, I tagged along with my sister and her husband to Chicago’s annual boat and RV show. They are in the market for a speedboat—and as it so happened, I was in the market for something to do on Sunday. Though there were plenty of young families there, I gathered it was the active, older couples who had the serious purchasing power. The retirees.

While I moseyed past 35-foot-long behemoth RVs and yachts that would make Noah’s vessel look like a bathtub toy, it dawned on me:

I can’t wait to be retired.

I already enjoy retirement-friendly activities such as reading, baking, and quiet strolls by the lake. I went to a bowling alley on Saturday for a friend’s birthday and the first sentence I spoke was, “WHY IS THE MUSIC SO LOUD? ARE WE BOWLING OR AT A NIGHT CLUB?”

I’ve watched my parents swan-dive gracefully into their retirement, indulging in hobbies and tackling house projects and generally smiling a lot. They’re no longer working for the Man anymore, and guess what?

Here are a few retired life perks I’m looking forward to:

1. Boats and RVs

The highlight of my twilight will be a 40-foot RV, towing a 40-foot speedboat, towing my 1999 Honda CR-V, because some things never change.

The neighbors* will look out their windows and chuckle. “Oh, here comes that Jorie again, with 90 feet of vehicle behind her.”

Whilst perusing the RVs at the convention yesterday, I noticed that they’re more blinged out than ever with washers and dryers, multiple flat-screen TVs, stainless steel appliances, jacuzzi tubs…do you know what RVs will look like 35 years from now? Those houses on MTV’s “Cribs,” but with wheels.

* I will not have neighbors, per se, because I will need a 200-foot-plus driveway.

2. More dogs

My parents owned exactly zero dogs when they retired. Now, they have two dogs. That is a twofold increase in dogs owned. If I drew a chart to demonstrate this formula, it would look a little something like this:

So, before retirement age, let’s say I own between 3 and 5 dogs—just ball parkin’ here. That means once I retire, I will have time to take care of up to TEN DOGS.

With careful training, I could host five-on-five basketball tournaments, Air Bud-style.

3. Two words: senior discounts

There are four phases to adult life:

• student discounts
• I’m-not-a-student-but-I-still-have-my-ID-card-HAAA-fooled-ya-suckers discounts
• “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this college ID expired in ’99″ NON-discounts
• senior discounts

4. Reading time

When I was a wee little lass, my favorite way to get my jollies was reading. I’d bury my nose in a chapter book and saunter from breakfast table, to armchair, to grassy patch, just a-readin’ my little eyes out.

This continued on blissfully for most of my life, until adulthood, that period when no one gets to read for an unlimited amount of time per day, except prisoners who exhibit good behavior. AND RETIREES.

As we non-retired folk sit here scanning Reddit on our iPhones and playing Words with Friends, the retirees are out there strengthening their synapses by absorbing the words of Albert Camus and giving “The Fountainhead” another go-around.

5. Shameful eccentricities = cool retirement hobbies

You’ve saved all your decapitated Barbie heads from childhood and plan to craft necklaces out of ‘em and sell them on Etsy?

You like the Rolling Stones so much so that you’re turning your garage door into a giant open mouth with lips and a red carpet tongue down the driveway?

You own 10 dogs and are teaching them to play basketball?

POOF. Those eccentricities just became a worthwhile pursuit of your time and energy.

So rock on, retirees, rock on.

What will you do in retirement?

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