As 2012 comes to a close, the Internet is rife with retrospective “year in review” posts. So instead of looking back, I want to look forward. To the year 2032.
I’m calling it now; here are a handful of things I’m going to have to explain to my kids someday, when they look at me with the same blank stare I’ve perfected whenever my grandpa gets on the horn about “milkmen” and “the radio.” Just kidding. The Simpsons taught me about that last one.
1) iPhones
“So, before Apple invented teleportation, everyone carried around these little devices in their pockets…”
2) Oprah Winfrey
Oprah: (n) one who is godlike
“What? You don’t know who Oprah is? ‘You get a car! And you get a car! Everybody gets a car!‘
Seriously, nothing? She ran for President in 2016, but Amy Poehler ended up beating her in the primaries.”
3) Keurig coffee cups
“Those cute little K-cups simply revolutionized the way we all drank shitty, expensive coffee.”
4) Facebook
“Well, it was basically like this permanent yearbook on the Internet, full of embarrassing photos of you when you were fat and drunk in college. Then, when family members and co-workers wanted access to your page, you had to change your privacy settings super quick so they couldn’t see that one album called ***Me dOiN’ BeEr BoNgS***.”
5) Ombre hair
“It was this hairstyle where it was dark at the roots and lighter towards the bottom—NO, NOT LIKE I HAVE NOW, YOU PUNK, IT WAS ON PURPOSE. I’ll have you know we paid a lot of money to make it look like our roots had grown out.”
6) Netflix
That is not my thumb. This is an example of the crazy pictures we’d find on the Internet with a simple Google search.
“You could actually decide one afternoon that you wanted to watch all 19 cycles of “America’s Next Top Model” and then it would download onto your TV. Very new-age at the time. Before that, you had to pick out a DVD—errr, a shiny circular disc that held movies and music—and Netflix would send it through the mail—uhhh, well, the government used to have all these employees who dressed up in matching outfits and dropped things off at your house everyday of the week except Sunday.”
7) Justin Bieber
“You know, that really skinny, graying dude who’s hosting Season 30 of ‘American Idol’? THAT’S Justin Bieber.”
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And after the overnight news, I’d like to add the Kardashians/Kim & Kanye
Uggggh, yep! I’ve heard the baby is already being called “Kimye.” Ay ya ya.
That last one literally made me LOL. Wonder where Ryan Seacrest will be in 2032?!
Maybe hosting the 60th season of “Survivor.”
Haha, great post Jorie! Although now I feel prematurely old. It’s crazy to think of 20 years ago, 1992. No Google. I remember actually using the Reference section of the library. Such a foreign concept these days.
I know exactly what you mean, Meghan! We are the last generation that can say we remember a life before computers. I watched my boyfriend’s nephews and niece play on their parents’ iPads at age two! So crazy.
Jor, this is so hilarious! Your Oprah running for president line, but getting beaten by Poehler made me crack up (and also hope that would really happen – fingers crossed).
A Leslie Knope/Ron Swanson ticket would restore my faith in government, Bec.
Hahaha! And your back, thank goodness!
Thank you for the welcome, Miss Maura
Very cute!
Happy New Year!
Thank you! Hope your New Year’s Eve and Day were great
Hahaha these are so true!!! Totally made me laugh
Haha, thanks, Liz! Hope you had a fun NYE!
We have a Keurig at our apartment and I’ve only ever used it to make hot cocoa or tea because the coffee is HORRIBLE! I was going to buy some k-cups for Amy for Christmas, and then realized that they’re super expensive. I think we should Grinch all the Keurigs in the world (steal them, throw them in a sack, and haul them away in a sleigh). P.S. I’m not done, they’re also horrible for the environment.
HAHA, Jill, I loved this response. I am not a coffee connoisseur so I will drink just about anything — but the generic brand of K-cups are considered to be pretty shitty but also so expensive (the worst possible combo). And, if you want to spring for the good stuff, it’s REALLY expensive. So silly!
This is awesome. I’m crossing my fingers with Bec and am POSITIVE you’re right about Justin Bieber replacing Ryan Seacrest. Great post, Jor!
Thanks, Kate! Hope you had yourself a splendid San Fran NYE!
I am patiently waiting for teleportation… so I LOVE that prediction!!
UM, so am I, Megan. It would definitely be my superpower if I could choose one — but it’d be so much cooler if the rest of the world could do it too. Work in Chicago, have lunch in Paris, dinner in San Diego, go for a swim in the Caribbean…I could get used to that teleportation lifestyle.
Gah so fun!
Jorie, this is hilarious! And probably spot on!
Thank you, Natalie! Hope your New Year’s Eve was a lot of fun
This is positively the best!! I laughed the entire time I was reading this Jorie. Keurig and the shitty coffee was the first place I lost it…ha!! Facebook, well I’m on there…a lot!! And only have a couple family members on there. No one else can handle my ummm….crass and bold sense of humor!! (You must find me…lol!). I have dark hair but, a few months ago I did the ends (about 4 inches) electric blue…it was the bomb. It’s in a blog somewhere. Anywho….Happy New Year girl!! Your blog has been my favorite “year end” blog by far!!! xoxo
Thank you so much, Suzie! I definitely participate in just about all of the above (Facebook, Keurigs, loving Oprah!) — because hey, we’re children of the era we live in, right?! Doesn’t mean we can’t poke fun at what we KNOW the future generations are going to be poking fun at
Hope your 2013 is full of health, happiness, and relaxation! Thank you for always reading!
This may be the best New Year post that I have read. I completely agree with this list and I love the little details for each item. My favorite was the Facebook description. I am definitely not a fan of the immortalized photographs contained on that site. Ugh.
Happy New Year!!
Thank you so much, Di! That is so sweet of you. I got my Facebook account the summer before my freshman year of college, so there are plenty of embarrassing photos on there (that have long since been deleted but you know what they say about photos on the Internet…). I am just thankful that FB wasn’t around when I was in middle school/high school. Kids can be so mean and those were such awkward times!