As 2012 comes to a close, the Internet is rife with retrospective “year in review” posts. So instead of looking back, I want to look forward. To the year 2032.
I’m calling it now; here are a handful of things I’m going to have to explain to my kids someday, when they look at me with the same blank stare I’ve perfected whenever my grandpa gets on the horn about “milkmen” and “the radio.” Just kidding. The Simpsons taught me about that last one.
“So, before Apple invented teleportation, everyone carried around these little devices in their pockets…”
2) Oprah Winfrey
“What? You don’t know who Oprah is? ‘You get a car! And you get a car! Everybody gets a car!‘
Seriously, nothing? She ran for President in 2016, but Amy Poehler ended up beating her in the primaries.”
3) Keurig coffee cups
“Those cute little K-cups simply revolutionized the way we all drank shitty, expensive coffee.”
“Well, it was basically like this permanent yearbook on the Internet, full of embarrassing photos of you when you were fat and drunk in college. Then, when family members and co-workers wanted access to your page, you had to change your privacy settings super quick so they couldn’t see that one album called ***Me dOiN’ BeEr BoNgS***.”
5) Ombre hair
“It was this hairstyle where it was dark at the roots and lighter towards the bottom—NO, NOT LIKE I HAVE NOW, YOU PUNK, IT WAS ON PURPOSE. I’ll have you know we paid a lot of money to make it look like our roots had grown out.”
“You could actually decide one afternoon that you wanted to watch all 19 cycles of “America’s Next Top Model” and then it would download onto your TV. Very new-age at the time. Before that, you had to pick out a DVD—errr, a shiny circular disc that held movies and music—and Netflix would send it through the mail—uhhh, well, the government used to have all these employees who dressed up in matching outfits and dropped things off at your house everyday of the week except Sunday.”
7) Justin Bieber
“You know, that really skinny, graying dude who’s hosting Season 30 of ‘American Idol’? THAT’S Justin Bieber.”
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